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Hey Pandas, remember when Bored Panda dropped the question
“What is love?” on the internet and the comment section
turned into a giant group therapy session with memes? The thread might be
closed now, but the question is very much still open. From cheesy song
lyrics to late-night overthinking, we keep circling back to the same puzzle:
what is love, really?
Is love butterflies and heart emojis? A calm sense of safety? The decision
to show up for someone even when you’re tired, annoyed, or out of coffee?
Spoiler: it’s all of that and more. Psychologists, philosophers, and
everyday people have been trying to define love for centuries. The fun (and
slightly chaotic) part is that everybody’s answer is a little different.
In true Bored Panda spirit, let’s treat this like a big community deep-dive:
part science, part philosophy, part cozy storytelling. We’ll look at how
experts describe love, how to tell healthy love from unhealthy love, and
how real-life moments can quietly redefine what love means to you.
Why Is It So Hard to Define Love?
First, a comforting truth: if you’ve ever struggled to explain what love
is, you’re in very good company. Scientists don’t agree. Philosophers don’t
agree. Your friends definitely don’t agree. Love is messy because it’s not
just one thing.
Think about how different it feels to:
- Hug your grandma
- Have a crush that makes your brain go offline
- Look at your pet and think, “I would die for you, you furry goblin”
- Finally start caring for yourself after years of putting everyone else first
All of those are love, but they’re not the same kind of love. That’s why
many researchers say love is less like a single emotion and more like a
family of feelings and actions that revolve around
connection, care, and commitment.
One modern scientific view describes love as a deep, unselfish commitment
to another person’s well-being, sometimes even putting their interests
before your own in healthy, balanced ways. It’s not just “I like you a
lot”; it’s “I’m invested in you as a human being.” At the same time,
philosophers point out that real love isn’t only about how you feel, but
about forming a meaningful “we” with someone while still
respecting that they’re their own person. Put simply: love is complicated
because people are complicated.
What Is Love, According to Psychology?
Let’s start with the brainy side of things. Your brain on love looks less
like a rom-com and more like a chemistry experiment with Wi-Fi issues.
Love as Brain Chemistry (Yes, the Spark Is Real)
When you fall in love, your brain releases a cocktail of chemicals:
dopamine (reward and motivation), oxytocin (bonding and trust), and
serotonin (mood and obsession, hello doom-scrolling their Instagram).
That’s why early-stage romantic love can feel like a mix of euphoria,
anxiety, and hyperfocus. You’re not just “into” someone; your brain is
rearranging its priorities to keep them at the top of your mental
playlist.
But here’s the catch: that super-intense rush is usually temporary.
Over time, most relationships shift from “fireworks” to “warm fireplace.”
And that’s not a downgrade; it’s an upgrade. Long-term love often comes
with calmer, more stable feelings of trust, comfort, and emotional safety.
The Triangular Theory: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment
One of the most influential psychological models of love is
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. In this theory,
love has three main ingredients:
- Intimacy – emotional closeness, trust, and connection
- Passion – physical attraction, excitement, and desire
- Commitment – the decision to stay, show up, and build something together
Different combinations of these three create different kinds of love:
- Friendship love: intimacy without much passion or long-term commitment
- Infatuation: passion without deep intimacy or real plans
- Empty love: commitment without closeness or spark
- Romantic love: intimacy + passion, but maybe unsure about the future
- Companionate love: intimacy + commitment, like long-term partnerships or deep friendships
- Consummate love: intimacy + passion + commitment – the full triangle
Real life doesn’t sit neatly in boxes, but this model shows something
important: love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a structure.
It has emotional, physical, and practical layers. If one side of the
triangle is missing or shrinking, the whole shape of the relationship
changes.
Attachment and the Way We Love
Another way psychologists understand love is through
attachment styles – patterns we often carry from childhood
into adult relationships:
- Secure: “I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re okay.” Comfortable with closeness and independence.
- Anxious: “Do you really love me? Are you sure? Check yes or yes.” Craves reassurance and fears abandonment.
- Avoidant: “Feelings? Never heard of them.” Values independence and may struggle with emotional closeness.
- Disorganized: a confusing mix of wanting closeness but also fearing it.
None of these labels are destiny, but they do shape how we experience
love. For example, someone secure might see disagreements as normal,
while someone anxious might experience the same argument as proof that
everything is falling apart. Love isn’t just who we choose; it’s also the
patterns we bring to the relationship.
What Is Love, According to Philosophy and Culture?
Leave the lab and stroll into the philosophy department and you’ll find a
different kind of conversation. Philosophers have been debating love since
long before dating apps and “situationships.”
Love as a “We” Instead of Just “You and Me”
Many philosophers argue that love isn’t just a strong feeling about
another person; it’s a decision to form a shared identity – a
“we”. You’re still two individuals, but your lives,
values, and futures become intertwined in a way that matters to who you
are.
In this view, love isn’t about owning someone or idealizing them. It’s
about recognizing their full, flawed humanity and saying,
“You’re part of my story, and I’m part of yours.” That’s why real love
often comes with vulnerability, sacrifice, and growth. You can’t love
deeply without letting someone matter enough to affect you.
Not Just One Kind of Love
Many cultures also recognize that love comes in different flavors, not
just “romantic or nothing.” Some classic categories include:
- Romantic love: passion, attraction, emotional intimacy
- Familial love: parent-child bonds, sibling love, chosen family
- Friendship love: loyalty, shared history, mutual support
- Self-love: respecting and caring for yourself, setting boundaries
- Altruistic love: compassion for others, even strangers
When we ask “What is love?” we’re not always asking the same question.
Sometimes we mean “What is romantic love?” Other times we’re asking, “What
does it mean to care about anyone, deeply and honestly?” The answer shifts
depending on which kind of love you’re looking at.
Healthy Love vs. Unhealthy Love
The original “Hey Pandas, What Is Love?” thread drew all kinds of answers
– from cute, funny one-liners to heartbreaking stories. Reading through
those kinds of comments, one pattern pops up: love can be wonderful, but
it can also be confusing, painful, or even harmful when we mistake
unhealthy behaviors for “passionate love.”
Signs of Healthy Love
Healthy love is less about constant drama and more about steady respect.
In a healthy relationship, you’re not perfect (no one is), but there are
some consistent themes:
- Respect: You take each other’s feelings, time, and boundaries seriously.
- Trust: You don’t feel like you need to spy, test, or constantly check up on each other.
- Honesty: You can talk about hard things without feeling terrified.
- Kindness: You try not to weaponize each other’s vulnerabilities.
- Support: You root for each other’s growth instead of being threatened by it.
- Autonomy: You still have your own life, friends, hobbies, and goals.
In healthy love, you feel safe enough to be yourself and strong enough to
handle challenges together. It’s not perfect, but it is grounded.
Red Flags: When “Love” Is Actually Harmful
On the flip side, a relationship might be called “love,” but feel more
like anxiety in a trench coat. Unhealthy or toxic patterns can include:
- Control: One person dictates where you go, who you see, or how you live “because I love you.”
- Constant criticism: Jokes and “feedback” that slowly destroy your self-esteem.
- Jealousy and possessiveness: Normal contact with friends or coworkers sparks rage or suspicion.
- Manipulation: Guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or twisting reality so you feel like you’re always at fault.
- Fear: You’re scared to be honest because you don’t know how they’ll react.
Many people are taught that “real love is supposed to hurt” or that big
gestures and extreme emotions equal passion. But experts on relationships
are clear: love should not consistently make you feel small,
unsafe, or trapped. Intensity is not the same thing as intimacy.
In fact, one of the bravest expressions of love is walking away from a
relationship where you’re being harmed – whether that harm is physical,
emotional, or psychological. Protecting yourself is not selfish; it’s a
form of self-love that makes healthier connections possible in the future.
So… What Is Love, Really?
After all the theories, quotes, and brain chemistry, we can say this much:
love is not just what you feel in a moment; it’s what you choose
and practice over time.
Love is:
- A deep concern for another person’s well-being
- A willingness to show up, not just show off
- A mix of warmth, trust, and sometimes vulnerability and sacrifice
- A decision to build a “we” while still honoring “me” and “you”
Love can be romantic, platonic, familial, or spiritual. It can feel like a
soft landing or a plot twist. It can start with sparks and settle into
something quieter but stronger. It can challenge you, stretch you, and
sometimes break your heart wide open in a way that lets more empathy in.
Maybe the best everyday definition is this:
Love is what happens when you consistently treat another life – and
your own – as precious.
Hey Pandas, What Is Love? Real-Life Experiences
The beauty of that original Bored Panda question is that it didn’t ask
experts; it asked everyone. People of all ages, backgrounds, and
relationship statuses chimed in with answers that were often simple, funny,
and quietly profound. To honor that spirit, let’s explore some everyday
moments that show what love can look like in real life.
Love Is the Little, Unpaid Stuff
Picture this: it’s 2:37 a.m. A kid has a fever. One parent is pacing the
hallway with a damp washcloth and the other is Googling “normal temperature
range” for the 93rd time. Nobody is getting a medal. Nobody is posting
this to social media. But this is love – the unglamorous, sleep-deprived
willingness to show up for someone who needs you.
Or think about a friend who helps you move. They show up in old sweatpants,
armed with coffee and snacks, ready to haul your embarrassingly heavy
furniture down three flights of stairs. They don’t say “Let me know if you
need anything”; they say, “I’m outside, open the door.” That’s love too.
Love Is Letting People Be Themselves
In many of those community stories, love didn’t look like grand
declarations. It looked like quiet acceptance. A parent who doesn’t mock
their child’s weird hobby, but learns the terminology. A partner who goes
to your favorite nerdy convention, even if they don’t know a single
character’s name, because they know it matters to you.
Love is often the opposite of “fixing” someone. It’s creating the safety
for them to grow into who they already are. It says, “I see you, the real
you, and I’m not running away.”
Love Is Sometimes Saying “No”
This one surprises people, but it came up between the lines of so many
online stories: sometimes love is not saying yes to everything. A caring
friend might refuse to enable a destructive habit. A partner might insist
on honest conversations instead of pretending everything is fine. A person
might walk away from a relationship because staying would mean losing
themselves.
Self-love, especially, is full of “no.” No to people who only show up when
they need something. No to working yourself into the ground to prove your
worth. No to calling mistreatment “passion.” Love doesn’t just say, “You’re
important to me”; it says, “I’m important too.”
Love Is in the Ordinary Days
When we think about love, we often picture movie scenes: airport chases,
grand speeches in the rain, dramatic reunions. But most real love lives in
ordinary Tuesdays.
It’s the couple who has been together for decades, sitting at breakfast in
comfortable silence, passing the jam without asking. It’s roommates who
text to ask, “Do you want anything from the store?” It’s a sibling who
still remembers your favorite snack from childhood and brings it over “just
because.”
Over and over, people describe love as a feeling of home –
not a place, but a sense of being known and accepted. Home can be a person,
a pet, a community, or even a version of yourself you’ve worked hard to
become.
Love Evolves – and That’s Okay
Another theme that shows up in stories is that love doesn’t always stay the
same shape. Romantic partners become co-parents, friends, or sometimes
kind strangers after a breakup. Intense crushes fade, making room for
deeper, steadier bonds. People fall out of love, then learn to love again
in healthier ways.
That doesn’t mean those earlier versions weren’t real. It means love is a
living thing – it grows, stretches, and sometimes needs to be let go so
something better can grow in its place. Your definition of love at 16 will
not be your definition of love at 36, and that’s part of the story too.
Your Answer Still Matters, Even If the Thread Is Closed
The Bored Panda question might be marked “Closed,” but your personal
answer is always open. You don’t have to be a poet or a scientist to
define love; you just have to pay attention to the moments when life feels
deeply connected and meaningful.
Maybe for you, love is:
- The way your dog loses its mind when you walk through the door
- The friend who sends “Just checking on you” texts when you go quiet
- The therapist who helps you learn to be kinder to yourself
- The partner who listens, even when the conversation is uncomfortable
- The decision to keep going, to keep caring, even after you’ve been hurt
Whatever your definition, one thing is clear: love is not just something
that happens to you. It’s something you help create, moment by moment, in
the way you show up for others and for yourself.
So, hey Pandas, the comment section might be closed – but the real
question still stands: What is love, to you?
